Wow.. long needed Update

As disappointing as this is, I'm still not going to be filling you in about Japan and returning home. What I will do, is briefly fill you in on the last several months. Wow. its been 9 months. And it took me about .5 secs to bring me to tears just thinking about that. Of course, lately a lot of things bring me to tears that quickly, but I guess that just comes with the territory.

So I got home, and was called a lesbian for the first few weeks I was back, finally discovered a cute hairdo and my life turned upside down. I mean, I used to be hit on before, but damn it was at least 10 times as worse as before. Everyone loved the sassy do and loved to let me know. As much as I didn't want or need the attention, I can't lie I did enjoy it. I started up school again and no one recognized me, slowly people started realizing who I was again (I mean I did cut off 10 + inches of hair!) and it got to be pretty normal. I still get comments like "wow I didn't recognize you, your hair looks great" from random people who I just haven't seen in about a year at this point. About mid-semester Ryan was sent overseas and soon after his baby was born (Aaron Michael Sears). Things got rockier and crazier for me and they pretty much haven't stopped. I balance a fine line between really great and really bad, I guess that is what happens when you try to live your life to the absolute fullest. I didn't sleep much last semester, worked 2 jobs and had 18 credits, don't know how I did it, but I survived and even managed to pull straight A's. The highlight of my semester was probably talking to one of my professors about my trip culminating in an hour long presentation of Semester At Sea. It was amazing. At this point my friends are getting bored with it so I don't have many opportunities to talk about it, but lord there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of it. And on days where I have the time, and even days that I don't, I take that extra moment to soak it all in- remember how the ship used to rock- how funny it was to walk drunk down the hallway without even consuming alcohol, or how sick I would get if I didn't take my pill or eat at regular intervals. How we used to laugh at how terrible that food was and dreaming of what our first meal would be. The feeling I had when I shaved my head, or when I walked out of the ship into a brand new world. The amazing sensation it was to know and experience all walks of life. I'm running away from my self though...

the point is, just as I wouldn't have imagined a year before I went that I would have been embarking on the trip of a lifetime, I know a year ago I couldn't have imagined where my life has taken me and how difficult life would be in this moment. A year ago, I had planned on going for my education certification, would still have another year of undergrad and would be in this area for the rest of my life. And now? today? I'm preparing to visit grad schools for stage management. How out of this world! I contradict myself everyday about it- will I make it? Can I make it? Is this really what I want? When I'm in that rehearsal space (and not one that Greg is sitting in on) all I can think is yes! Yes! YES! This is all I want to do!!! But the minute I walk out of those doors, I question myself as always. Am i really prepared to break off and go half way across this country by myself? Do I really want it? Do I want to be a gypsy and travel the world? 6 months ago i did. 9 months ago I would have given my right arm to be back on that ship. Even today I would give that arm to be there in a world where EVERYTHING was YES YOU CAN DO IT! And now I'm back here at Eastern, where everything is in limbo land, where a straight answer can't be found. I'm back to be insecure and unstable. I'm a ruined girl. And how does one recover from this? I am uncertain.

Well, I guess that's all for today.